He was aware of this but wasn’t exposed it till his mid twenties. They called him a man; little did he walked far from his boy-like charm. “Everybody around me was doing it, so I joined them.” he said. Drowned in addiction now he repents. Rehabs are for the pot-heads and the sniffers. But where would a man addicted to money can go? ” I need to earn for my family”, he yelled. “Family is about spending time not money”, they said. In the urge of having more he lost the fine line between requirement and greed. That fool now calls lavish greed his basic need.
Waking up next to your absence is my biggest fear.
Maybe not lost but that pushes me to someplace wrong.
I have seen this place before but never wanted to come back.
It’s the abode of my outcast, the home to my isolation.
A path to desolation.
I looked around, you weren’t there.
Where are you? Come soon.
You may say so, but I can never get used to this.
You are the tune to my song.
The wind to my rain.
I don’t know what else to say
But it all adds up to the same.
I know you.
Is the biggest lie you can say.
Not to me but to yourself.
So many emotions, so many reactions.
Many more instances which I have fastened in my heart.
Some unearth as tears, some divulge as smiles.
It’s not your fault that it works this way.
Analyzing something so huge is beyond human powers.
So many moments fill up in my journal.
Many more feelings express those.
How am I supposed to tell you all?
I won’t be able to finish,
even if you wait till dawn.
I know you.
Is the biggest lie you can say.
“People make mistakes
That’s what humans do
Horrible mistakes that hurt you
Even if they don’t intend to
Rarely people know what it takes
What it takes to pay what’s due
And only a few people understand
How to repair something so valued
So people try to show it in their own way
That they feel guilty for what they did
That they feel sorry for all the pain
That was so unintended
Forgive but don’t forget
That bonds break, feelings change
With some tears and a lot of regrets
And some things can’t be reset like a game
But by forgiving you show the world
That you are stronger that others
Cause’ saying sorry doesn’t take strength
Forgiving someone does”
Amidst the chaos of the fake faces, she saw something shiny. Neither gold nor glitter, it was a clean shiny mirror. She stood in front of the mirror contemplating the reflection. She could see some scars from the past, they had their own story. People said that what she did was wrong and the scars show that. She concurred to that. She was aware of her mistakes.
On the contrary to the people, the mirror had a different perspective. It told her that she made mistakes but called her strong to get through them. Facts is all the world can see. But the mirror unearths the story. The half-filled voids of her soul were now completed by the reflection.
They might be a little distant but resemble each other. She may turn away from it but the reflection would be waiting for her to comeback. She looked back. It was still there. Congruent and completing her.
Searching for me in the crowd?
Random faces is all you get.
Start looking in the solitude.
I was never meant to fit in.
Neither far nor distant is where I am.
It’s just a place we talk less about.
The true world is a cruel place,
that ain’t my home…
The honest sphere of your life is my dwelling
Your flattery may help my anxiety
but your honest regards would make me a better person.
Not too complex to understand.
You are just looking at the wrong side,
listen to me for once.
And you will know the story of my beautiful melancholy.
Who isn’t born a Cinderella?
A childlike admiration for the good things.
Never ran after the cravings of social acceptance.
You are not different, rather socially awkward they said.
I have certain priorities. Damn given to that statement.
They continued to judge.
Am I supposed to be bothered by this, I wondered?
We live in a sluttish time, where the consequences are feared,
not the deed.
They may call me names for the decisions I make.
At least I don’t follow algorithms of social conduct,
rather I stay humane.
Fetish for acceptance is justified.
But being your dearest is tried.
Rejection is not the fear but exclusion is.
But this can’t stop me from catering to my priorities.
“I am not afraid”, would be a big fat lie.
But who said that courage is the absence of fear.
I have my own land where perspective and opinion are different.
Your world might be a little scary for me,
not scary enough to put me in a nutshell.
You may not know how to swim…
You may fear that you would drown but if you go into 7 feet deep pool for maybe a couple of weeks, it will eventually become shallow for you…
You get comfortable with the depth.
But if you are asked to stay in that pool for let’s say straight for 2 hours the time you jumped in for the first time, you won’t get comfortable with the depth but you will get comfortable with your anxieties.
That’s how a bad phase in life is, the more you get into it and get out of it: it becomes shallow for you. But if you don’t run away from it, face it, and stay you tend to overcome your anxieties and still respect the depth of it. One needs to get rid of the insecurities and keep its sanctity.
She went out for a walk that day. A nice and fine day it was. There was something which caught her eye on the street that day. A deep, strange hole it was. It’s darkness frightened others but for her, it was fascinating. It tickled her curiosity. She inched her way towards it. Took a deep breath and jumped. One of the biggest mistake she made. Drowned in dirt, scared she was. She pulled herself up but the filth won’t let go. She managed to save herself and came up to the street again. Insecure and broken, she continued to walk. It was the dirt of the pothole which made her look filthy but the world preferred to call her filthy. She could have explained to them but she feared the world would call her mad to take a leap. She walked for a few miles. And there it was, another hole waiting for her. But this one was different. Bright and shiny, always welcoming. She could see a nice stairway down the hole. It looked splendid but she was scared. She couldn’t leap with her insecurities. She had faith that this one would end well but the past didn’t give her the courage to do so. She had another thing in her mind too. Even if she managed to jump again the filth she brought along would destroy the bright hole too. She couldn’t do it even if she wanted to. She walked away. Now she is far away from the filthy pothole but distant from the bright one too.
Jumping wasn’t the mistake but leaping into the wrong one was.